Truthful Self

(My artwork)

I have to take my own medicine; all of my words are self reflective as well. I have been selfish as well in life, for the self pity; although being reasonable and justified, was still there. It was not a pain of anger, more of a pain of heartache, that I did not share a past with my blood, no matter what those circumstances would have brought, if they had taken place. This is the selfishness that I posses, and the longing that I have had; would not anyone feel this same way, or I am the only one? I think many would, and have. I have in the past used my circumstances as an emotional cruch, and although these circumstances do really merit attention, much of my life they have resided in my being, and for the sake of myself I have learned to exist within myself only, not being emotionaly or mentaly dependant on any other. This does not mean as some feel; usally due to there lack of understanding, or the choise not to deal with it because of the confusion and pain, that I do not consider others, or cast off the people that I care about. On the contrary, most of the pain, and turmoil in my life comes from the emotions that I have for others. This does not mean that they are repugnant to my emotion, or mental being, but that this pain comes from seeing suffering, and confusion as a imperfect being within these circumstances pertaining to the people I care about. The lack of attainment of the IDEAL world in which my imagination conjures. Kimberly and Hannah, I draw away some with regards to you out of respect for the brother that my younger sister looks up to. Especially at this present moment, for the outcome of her search has not yielded such a happy find, and words were spoken to her(evil words), by the woman of her womb. It makes me feel quilty to indulge myself to the full in respect to having more sisters, that truly are of my blood. You see me and Lindsay are very close; due to our being born of the same circumstances in life, and her pain resounds very deeply inside of me right now. I hope that you can understand this so. Lindsay is very strong though, and she will prevail, and as I see her spirit get stronger, and her eyes reflecting her want; due to her lack of selfishness, for me to shine, I will start to open more to you both. This does not mean that I do not love you; and I love you simply because we share who we are with each other, you being I and I being you, for I love myself, which would in turn be loving you. Kimberly I wish that you would be able to join us in being together, for it seems that you need a big brother more than Hannah at this moment. I want to give of myself to you all; for giving is truely better than recieving, for this to me is the most important thing that has yet happend to me in my life, the other of course will be having our children born; which mom can attest to is the most precious moment in ones life. Yes they are equal. Both embracing ones own flesh through birth; whether by birth, or being responsible for that Birth, are the root essence's of our existance.

Basking in the revelation.

(My artwork)
Peace fills my soul again, soothing the cracks of discontent with its warmth. Peace again finds me after the harsh day of desert. My mind is corrupt from this imperfect flesh that it resides in. Paranoia constantly seeks me, to defile my pureness, to distract me from this great event in my life. I try to consider others at present, but find no care too. Everything is ok, just as long as I can hear there voices, to know that there are others who truly understand me fills me with much elation. I do not forget the family I grew up with completely, but only for awhile, and then they return to myself. I hope everyone understands, but make no apologies, for this is our day. The vultures of stress threaten to break my new found happiness, but I shoo them away with my strength of spirit, and fortitude of mind. Im 28 years old, and have known my natural family for about a week now, but the astonishment of how we are so much the same still boggles me; the mannerisms, thought process, heart condition, etc. It is all but a dream, one that I will not awake from. Im very fortunate that my entire natural family welcomes me to themselves with joy, for I would do the same, and this verifies who I am in ways I can only comprehend. I have brothers, flesh that has come to be that shares my makeup, my essence, I have always wanted this to be so in another man. Articulating the exact description of how I feel at this moment would require much space, but there are so many who I need to tell, that do not know at this time. I wish all could truly share my feeling with true joy, but the idealistic self of me is always hopeful to the point of absurdness. If I needed to I would drop everything in my life for this moment, because it is really worth that much to me, and again I make no apologies, for I am just in my reasoning. I can feel all of there joy being infused into me through space and time, this making me more powerful and weighty in the universe. I have always felt a connection to her, but now it is sharp and clear, cutting through darkness like rays of light. Just knowing what power there is behind me, makes my ' chest swell with pride', and allows me to face the day knowing there are others I can fully relate with. I write these words from the bottom depths of my pureness and sincerity, knowing that they travel out to touch the ones that know them too. My inner spring runith over, not knowing where to go but everywhere, soaking in the hardened withered dry ground that has longed for water. So many words are lost due to the inability of my hands, my mind being patient with my hands though, and inventing new words to fill there forgotten place. I want to encapsulate this feeling forever in myself, but know that there are much better times ahead, and wait for them with eager anticipation. I consider myself to be very humble and lowly in mind; this is my greatest strength and weakness, for I sometimes let people walk all over me. I see this to in my mother, but also know that when we have had enough of people's offences then a terrible force comes out of us that washes everything away from before us, a storm of anger that not many people can even imagine. Of course this is the last resort, but one in which we are not afraid to use if needbe. Maybe I should not be so presumptuous, as this entity only exist in myself, but I dont think that it does only. I am calm in the present moment, most people will call me calm, but I am not always such. I hide the darker side of myself, for if others knew it they would run with might. I though am at peace.

Mother found!!

These eyes have finally found there resting place, it is within the other, the lifebearer. My heart and mind finally find there well that has been slowly running dry over this time. If only others outside of us could grasp the significance of these moments, and savor like I. But that is not there reward nor there privilege, that has been reserved and bestowed upon me. For this is ours, others have had there fill of these privileges, and have taken them for granted all there life, complaining about there lot, and not viewing the privilege of knowing ones flesh. This is my right, and words of others pertaining to this circumstance have no relevance to me or my mind, it is like the wind whispering in my ear only to recede into nothingness. A boy named AJ said many things of nonunderstanding due to these above mentioned words, and he speaks from an empty place, as of not knowing or really caring for another. There are many naysayers walking about, who use there pseudo intellect as if it has any bearing or weight at all. These ones leave a distastefull lingering feel in my heart, as if not knowing why I consider them at all. I do not really. I am tired of considering the inconsiderable, with there wretched twisted tongues oozing bile from the inside with no remorse. Does it really matter? I think not. For everyone has dissipated back unto the ground, and the only thing that is left for now is us. Should I feel guilty, only the selfish at heart feel that I should, for they really know better, but deny themselves because of there pity. The golden box with key is finally starting to open, and It is mine, for I have analyzed, felt, beheld it all my life, and It belongs to no other now but I. Even having a private conversation with this woman of my life is offending to some, but what do these offences have to do with me, and are they even really logical, or a ploy for control over the mind and heart, like training a lap dog. I will not stand for these people in life anymore, and one day they will be destroyed by a force in which they cannot even perceive as of now. But they will. There own selfish first destroying them by all the destitute emotions that skate around themselves, keeping them from true happiness. Oh but they have a choice, they just do not choose to make it, lingering in the well of despair and self loathing. It is really just the two of us now Mother, this time for awhile will just be ours, for it belongs to us, and is a royal gift that I will not turn down. I will not only die for this gift, but will kill for it to, it is that important, really the most important event that will ever happen to me as a human. Although I know myself, this is the last step in fully knowing myself. For all the exasperating nitpickers out there of course one fully knows oneself(relatively speaking) when one is dead, but hey Im not really concerned about you now am I? Yes I have found you, and this will change me forever!!