Truthful Self

(My artwork)

I have to take my own medicine; all of my words are self reflective as well. I have been selfish as well in life, for the self pity; although being reasonable and justified, was still there. It was not a pain of anger, more of a pain of heartache, that I did not share a past with my blood, no matter what those circumstances would have brought, if they had taken place. This is the selfishness that I posses, and the longing that I have had; would not anyone feel this same way, or I am the only one? I think many would, and have. I have in the past used my circumstances as an emotional cruch, and although these circumstances do really merit attention, much of my life they have resided in my being, and for the sake of myself I have learned to exist within myself only, not being emotionaly or mentaly dependant on any other. This does not mean as some feel; usally due to there lack of understanding, or the choise not to deal with it because of the confusion and pain, that I do not consider others, or cast off the people that I care about. On the contrary, most of the pain, and turmoil in my life comes from the emotions that I have for others. This does not mean that they are repugnant to my emotion, or mental being, but that this pain comes from seeing suffering, and confusion as a imperfect being within these circumstances pertaining to the people I care about. The lack of attainment of the IDEAL world in which my imagination conjures. Kimberly and Hannah, I draw away some with regards to you out of respect for the brother that my younger sister looks up to. Especially at this present moment, for the outcome of her search has not yielded such a happy find, and words were spoken to her(evil words), by the woman of her womb. It makes me feel quilty to indulge myself to the full in respect to having more sisters, that truly are of my blood. You see me and Lindsay are very close; due to our being born of the same circumstances in life, and her pain resounds very deeply inside of me right now. I hope that you can understand this so. Lindsay is very strong though, and she will prevail, and as I see her spirit get stronger, and her eyes reflecting her want; due to her lack of selfishness, for me to shine, I will start to open more to you both. This does not mean that I do not love you; and I love you simply because we share who we are with each other, you being I and I being you, for I love myself, which would in turn be loving you. Kimberly I wish that you would be able to join us in being together, for it seems that you need a big brother more than Hannah at this moment. I want to give of myself to you all; for giving is truely better than recieving, for this to me is the most important thing that has yet happend to me in my life, the other of course will be having our children born; which mom can attest to is the most precious moment in ones life. Yes they are equal. Both embracing ones own flesh through birth; whether by birth, or being responsible for that Birth, are the root essence's of our existance.